Bullying: Help your child handle a school bully

Bullying at school is becoming more common. Some children may be at higher risk than others, and the consequences are serious. Take steps to protect your children against bullying.

Bullying was once considered a rite of passage through childhood. Parents sometimes encouraged their children to fight back against the school bully or to work it out amongst themselves.

Today, though, bullying is recognized as a serious problem — not just a harmless playground spat. School bullying is also becoming more common and more severe. Up to half of school-age children are bullied at some point, according to the federal government's Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. And thanks to tech-savvy kids, cyberbullying and other forms of electronic violence and harassment that can be harder to stop are now commonplace.

Researchers now understand more about the deep and long-lasting wounds that bullying can inflict on tender childhood psyches. Unfortunately, some parents and even educators still downplay or fail to recognize bullying. And children often don't tell their parents that they're being bullied because they're ashamed. They don't want to be labeled as tattletales, and they fear retribution by the bully. To help your child handle school bullying, you must recognize it and learn what to do if your child is being bullied.

How to recognize bullying

Bullying is generally defined as repeated physical, verbal, sexual or psychological attacks or intimidation. Methods of bullying include:

Hitting, punching and kicking
Destruction of a child's property
Teasing
Name-calling
Taunting
Racial slurs
Spreading malicious rumors
Exclusion from groups or activities
E-mail threats
Harassing phone calls
Intimidating or threatening Web sites or blogs

Sexual and homophobic bullying also is common among school children now, and may include:

Unwanted sexual jokes or comments
Sexual name-calling
Spreading sexual rumors
Grabbing or touching students in a sexual manner
Pulling clothing down or off

Bullying occurs in classrooms, bathrooms, hallways and cafeterias, on playgrounds and school buses, and sometimes on walks to and from school. And today, bullying occurs increasingly on the Internet. Students can use personal Web pages, e-mail, instant messaging and Internet chat rooms to spread rumors and harmful pictures as well as threats and intimidation.

Who's at risk of bullying

Any child can be bullied. Boys and girls are equally likely to face bullying. Younger children are more likely to be bullied than older children.

Researchers have identified certain traits that may put some children at higher risk of bullying. Bullies commonly look for easy targets, especially children who seem to be passive. These passive targets may include children who:

Have a noticeable disability
Are socially isolated or lonely
Are insecure or unassertive among their peers
Aren't athletic
Appear physically weaker than peers
Cry easily or get upset easily
Relate better to adults than to peers

On the other hand, in rarer cases bullies may target children who are considered more provocative or aggressive. These may include children who:

Have trouble concentrating at school
Are restless or hyperactive
Are immature
Have emotional outbursts
Are considered to have annoying habits
May be disliked by other children and adults alike
Are quick-tempered and try to fight back against insults

The consequences of bullying

Bullying by classmates, peers and other children can have major health, social, educational and psychological effects.

Children who are bullied:

Have higher rates of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorders, substance abuse and suicide
Are more likely to carry weapons to school for self-defense
Miss school more often because they feel unsafe
Have trouble focusing on schoolwork and lessons because they're consumed by anxiety and fear
Have lower self-esteem as adults, along with higher rates of depression and other mental disorders in adulthood
May develop problems with anger management or self-destructive behavior
Have unexplained physical ailments, such as headaches and stomachaches

How to help prevent bullying

Don't wait until your child is bullied to talk about it or take action. And don't wait for your child to bring it up — he or she may not. As the parent or responsible adult, you must take the lead in preventing bullying.

Here are some ways to talk about and possibly prevent bullying:

Ask your child direct questions about teasing at his or her school.
Talk to your child about what friends he or she has and whether he or she plays alone or eats alone.
Teach your child about confidence and resilience and how to develop social skills, all of which may make him or her less likely targets for bullies.
Involve your child in activities that can raise self-esteem, such as sports or music.
Learn about your child's school policy on bullying and teasing as well as Internet use, and find out what resources are in place for children who are bullied.
Take e-mail and Web page threats seriously and consider reporting them to school officials or police authorities.

What to do if your child faces bullying

If your child is being bullied, assess the situation quickly and calmly, gather information and take action. Children need to know that you take the situation seriously and will help stop bullying.

Here are steps you can take if your child is bullied:

Encourage your child to talk about the bullying. Listen in a loving manner. Don't let your child see that you're upset, which can make the situation worse.
Tell your child that he or she isn't to blame for being bullied. Don't assume that your child did something to provoke or aggravate a school bully. A bully often picks on someone for no reason at all.
Support your child's feelings. Instead of dismissing their concerns or simply telling him or her that it'll work out eventually, express understanding and concern, such as saying, "I understand you're having a rough time. Let's work together to deal with this."
Ask your child if he or she has ideas about how to stop the bullying.
Don't encourage retaliation against a bully.
Teach your child safety skills when bullying occurs. This may include knowing where to turn for immediate help, how to be assertive, using humor to defuse a situation and appropriate diplomacy skills, such as agreeing with taunts that an item of clothing is ugly, for instance.
Consider professional or school counseling for your child if fear or anxiety becomes overwhelming.
Gather as much information as possible about the bullying. Ask your child to describe how and when the bullying occurs and who is involved. Ask you child if other children or adults have witnessed any bullying incidents.
Talk to your child's educators, including teachers and principals. Work together to find real solutions now. Don't contact the bully's parents yourself. Let the school handle that potentially sensitive situation.
If your child has been physically attacked or is threatened with harm, talk to school officials immediately to help determine if police should be involved.

Teach your child skills to handle bullying

Teach your child how to handle and cope with bullying, with your help. This can also include teaching your child about resilience, or skills to endure difficult times. Here is what you can teach a child who is being bullied:

Don't react to the bullying. Bullies may give up if they don't get attention.
Don't fight back.
Try role-playing or practice what you'll say to a bully, such as, "I want you to stop now."
Show confidence with your head held high.
Stick with a friend while on the bus, in the cafeteria, between classes, or while walking to and from school.
Talk to an adult. Parents, teachers, principals and guidance counselors can help you stop the bullying.
Try to meet classmates who are friendly and supportive and who will include you in their activities.

You can stop bullying now

Don't expect your child to handle bullying by himself or herself. Early intervention when your child faces bullying can help prevent lasting problems, such as depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Don't simply brush off bullying as a rite of passage, and don't leave your child to handle it alone. A black eye or bloody nose may heal quickly, but psychological and emotional wounds from bullying may last a lifetime.