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October 19, 2007 12:55 p.m.

Alzheimer's: Communication skills help caregivers

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By Angela Lunde

I have read some comments with regards to the challenges of communicating with someone who has Alzheimer's disease or another cause of dementia. I'd like to share some ideas that may help from time to time, and hear from you on the topic of "communication."

First, consider the words or sentences you are using. Do they sound as if you are telling the person what to do (or what not to do)? Keep in mind that you are still communicating with an adult, who, at least in the early to mid stages may be trying to maintain some sense of control.

For example, be cautious when starting out a conversation with "You need to ..." or "You can't" or "I want you to ..." Many times you will find that this escalates any agitation or anger that may be brewing (also pay attention to the tone of your voice and/or body language). Remember that the person with dementia no longer has the ability to be rational or logical the way they could before the disease, nor to the extent that you do. Arguing with the person will make the situation worse. As one writer mentioned "it is the disease, not the person."

As caregivers, most of you know that this makes sense, but amid the everyday stress of caregiving it is not easy. I understand that. Keep in mind that "coping caregivers" accept that they will not handle every situation perfectly. They recognize that they are human and have limitations.

Please give yourself permission to feel satisfied that you are managing a particular event or responding to a disruptive behavior in the best possible way you could at that given moment.

"Do the best you can. You won't go to jail if you pay your bills a few days late. Your meals don't have to taste like Julia Child's. Besides, if you serve meatloaf 3 nights in a row, who but you will notice." — Anne Simpson, "Through the Wilderness of Alzheimer's Disease"

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27 comments posted

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May 3, 2008 5:44 a.m.

My husband is 72 and has not been diagnosed with anything, because he won't be checked. I'm relieved to find this website, because I beat myself up all the time for my reactions to his changes--e.g., my impatience in having to tell him the same thing over and over. Can you help me to understand the very early stages and what to expect as we progress?

- Laurel

April 12, 2008 9:00 p.m.

I have this awful feeling of hate towards my husband. He is nasty all the time and I dont know how to cope any more.I worked very hard all my life and now I still have to. They say that you can live pretty normal life. That is not true for me I am very bitter. He never shuts his mouth. All day long he tells me how rotten I am. I get help for my mind. Ineed a lot of prayers please

- donna

April 12, 2008 8:38 a.m.

I suspect my mother has Alzheimers and so does our family doctor. It would help me plan for the future if I knew for sure. But Mom adamently refuses to have the more specialized testing for its probable diagnosis. She says she doesn't want to know unless she becomes a danger to herself. Should I insist on the tests or go by her wishes?

- Tracy

April 9, 2008 3:30 a.m.

My mother is 89 and has alzheimers and dementia. Repeating is frustrating and being a daughter, she constantly wants control. I find it exhausting and often forget my own needs. My family is of no help. More good hearted persons are performing this necessary service and little attention is given to our country's rising need. As sophiticated as our society is, caregiving is of upmost importance. I hope this changes for such a debilitating illness with carries such sorrow.

- terri

March 31, 2008 8:30 p.m.

I am the main caregiver for my mother in law. She is 79. My husband helps, but not with the showers, dressing, etc. She also has aphasia and it's quite fustrating trying to communicate. I do get depressed and try not to let it show. My husband is very kind and would put her in a home if I complained, so I try not to. We recently retired, young at 50, and this was not in the plans. She has been here for 1 & 1/2 years and recently seems to be getting worse. I am glad that I found this website, just to get these things off my chest. Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone.

- Kathy

March 5, 2008 5:21 p.m.

Vonda, My mom is 86 also and with us for 5 yrs. Regarding sleeping routines, they periodically change. Initially the tv was on all night, then the window shades were always up, now the bedside lamp is on until I turn it off in the morning. From time to time she gets up during the night & has to be coaxed back to bed. It seem she gets nite & day confused. directions

- e.s.

March 4, 2008 12:22 p.m.

My mother is 90.She was diagnosed,based on a CT and psych. testing to be in early AD My brother and I have noticed changes in her behavior over the last 3-4 yrs, but figured,she is 87,88 ,etc. Our biggest problem,just developng over the last 6-8 wks is a refusal to get out of the bed. As we both must work,it's 3pm and I arrive to find her laying abed.We have hired people to stay but none have suited her, and she has refused to get up for them.Once up ,eaten and taken her meds,she's a different,happy person.Comments?

- d.daughter

February 27, 2008 9:47 p.m.

My Father can't hear and sometimes I get loud and angry sounding, sometimes I am. He is 86 and wants to be the Boss. Yesterday he forbid me to leave the house for a week. Today he is docil. I am trying to remember the disease does it but it is very hard not to take it personlly Thnks for listening.

- Pat

February 21, 2008 7:40 p.m.

Carrie, It is like living with a different person, everyday. You never know what kind of mood, they are going to be in, when they wake up. Hang in there, maybe this website will help.

- Vonda

February 21, 2008 6:26 p.m.

I am so glad I found this site. I moved my Mother, who is 86 years old, in with me 6 weeks, ago. I can relate to each and everyone of you. I have one question, Does pain feel intensified to Alzheimer patients? We have made more trips to the Emergency Room, when we get there, she will complain of something completely opposite of what we take her up there for. Also, she will act like she feels fine, once you get her to the ER, also. Before you get there, she would act like she was in excruciating pain. Also, she will go to bed very early and lately has been pulling the shades up, so she can see outside all night. I don't know if she is afraid to go asleep or what. She is up and down all night long. Seems to me, like she is trying to keep herself awake. Take care and God Bless each and everyone of you.

- Vonda