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    Angela Lunde

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  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Oct. 20, 2007

    Alzheimer's: Communication skills help caregivers

    By Angela Lunde

29 comments posted

I have read some comments with regards to the challenges of communicating with someone who has Alzheimer's disease or another cause of dementia. I'd like to share some ideas that may help from time to time, and hear from you on the topic of "communication."

First, consider the words or sentences you are using. Do they sound as if you are telling the person what to do (or what not to do)? Keep in mind that you are still communicating with an adult, who, at least in the early to mid stages may be trying to maintain some sense of control.

For example, be cautious when starting out a conversation with "You need to ..." or "You can't" or "I want you to ..." Many times you will find that this escalates any agitation or anger that may be brewing (also pay attention to the tone of your voice and/or body language). Remember that the person with dementia no longer has the ability to be rational or logical the way they could before the disease, nor to the extent that you do. Arguing with the person will make the situation worse. As one writer mentioned "it is the disease, not the person."

As caregivers, most of you know that this makes sense, but amid the everyday stress of caregiving it is not easy. I understand that. Keep in mind that "coping caregivers" accept that they will not handle every situation perfectly. They recognize that they are human and have limitations.

Please give yourself permission to feel satisfied that you are managing a particular event or responding to a disruptive behavior in the best possible way you could at that given moment.

"Do the best you can. You won't go to jail if you pay your bills a few days late. Your meals don't have to taste like Julia Child's. Besides, if you serve meatloaf 3 nights in a row, who but you will notice." — Anne Simpson, "Through the Wilderness of Alzheimer's Disease"

29 comments posted

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  • October 21, 2007 2:39 a.m.

    I have run into a new situation this week and sometimes I'm wondering if I shouldn't be very stern in that I say to my husband when he won't stay in bed (he gets up and gets lost in the house he's lived in for 35 years). He thinks I'm his mother now, and sometimes I think I need to talk to him and scold him like his mother would have done. I haven't done it yet, but I'm tempted. I'm having to stay up all night just to make certain he finds his way back to bed and doesn't leave the house. His mother would have scolded him severely, or worse, and I'm so tempted, but I've been very good about treating him as an adult all through this so far, and hate to change.

    - Barbara

  • October 20, 2007 7:41 p.m.

    My dad is in the mid-stage of AD. Ms. Lunde is absolutely right in what she says, but she doesn't address the incredible frustration of having to say the same thing over and over and over again, usually in a different way each time. After about the 20th time (no exaggeration), my frustration (which started to build after the 10th time or so) starts to show. I feel bad about it, and I do try to hold it in check - but there are times when I give in to my humanity and express how tired I am. There are times when the only way I can get him to understand is to direct him and say 'do thus and so'. I try not to condescend and I usually apologize, but sometimes I do have to bypass the adult who's still there and go back a level or two. Again, I don't like it, but I only do so when nothing else works. One thing I think I'm pretty good at is NOT saying things like, "don't you remember ...?" or "you remember such and so, don't you?" So I have a few successes, thank go

    - ERR

  • October 20, 2007 12:50 p.m.

    I have to be so careful when I say something so simple as "Oh, the oven is still on" - my husband immediately says "It's probably my fault" when he wasn't the one doing the baking! Sometimes I can laugh and tell him that I was the one doing the baking and other times, he mopes around for hours and then tells me to quit blaming him for things. I have to learn to be careful of how I say things or bite my tongue and not say anything!

    - Nancy

  • October 20, 2007 1:09 a.m.

    Thanks Angela for your excellent write up on communication skills As a caregiver that was one of my biggest challenges as to how to approach my husband. I am still struggling at times that I get into my old habits, but I have greatly improved in that area, and it makes life more pleasant and peaceful around here

    - caregiver to husband

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