With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator Angela Lunde

With the holidays in full swing, some caregivers may be feeling that you should 'live up' to the expectations of family traditions or you may have thoughts of how things 'ought to be.' Memories may surface and create reminders of what has changed. You may believe that this is a time when you should be happy, and instead you may feel increased stress, disappointment, and incredible sadness.

The caregiver and author Lela Knox Shanks ("Your Name Is Hughes Hannibal Shanks," 1996, University of Nebraska Press) writes, "When AD caregivers accept the reality of the disease, we see solutions to daily problems more clearly. Non-acceptance is like banging one's head against a wall. It is our non-acceptance of the present reality that feeds into depression and self-pity."

I added these words by Lela Knox Shanks because if you are at a place of truly accepting your loved one's dementia, then the way in which you are approaching the holiday season is probably different than in years past. If your loved one lives at home, this may mean less traveling, less baking, fewer decorations. Activities you do with your loved one may be as simple as reading seasonal stories or holiday cards together, attending short concerts, taking a ride to look at holiday lights, watching home movies or looking at photo albums from holidays past. Holiday celebrations may include smaller 'potluck style' gatherings at home.

When we accept the changes that occur in a person with dementia, we ourselves change. We begin to free ourselves from the tyranny of the 'shoulda' and 'oughta' occurrence. Consider this the season for just 'being' and reminiscing with your family — no expectations, no elaborate production. Think of this simplicity as a gift to you, from your loved one with dementia.

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