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    Angela Lunde

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  • Dec. 19, 2007

    Simplicity: A special holiday gift

    By Angela Lunde

6 comments posted

With the holidays in full swing, some caregivers may be feeling that you should 'live up' to the expectations of family traditions or you may have thoughts of how things 'ought to be.' Memories may surface and create reminders of what has changed. You may believe that this is a time when you should be happy, and instead you may feel increased stress, disappointment, and incredible sadness.

The caregiver and author Lela Knox Shanks ("Your Name Is Hughes Hannibal Shanks," 1996, University of Nebraska Press) writes, "When AD caregivers accept the reality of the disease, we see solutions to daily problems more clearly. Non-acceptance is like banging one's head against a wall. It is our non-acceptance of the present reality that feeds into depression and self-pity."

I added these words by Lela Knox Shanks because if you are at a place of truly accepting your loved one's dementia, then the way in which you are approaching the holiday season is probably different than in years past. If your loved one lives at home, this may mean less traveling, less baking, fewer decorations. Activities you do with your loved one may be as simple as reading seasonal stories or holiday cards together, attending short concerts, taking a ride to look at holiday lights, watching home movies or looking at photo albums from holidays past. Holiday celebrations may include smaller 'potluck style' gatherings at home.

When we accept the changes that occur in a person with dementia, we ourselves change. We begin to free ourselves from the tyranny of the 'shoulda' and 'oughta' occurrence. Consider this the season for just 'being' and reminiscing with your family — no expectations, no elaborate production. Think of this simplicity as a gift to you, from your loved one with dementia.

6 comments posted

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  • August 23, 2008 11:01 a.m.

    if someone had told me i would be diagnosed with early onset alhzheimers disease i would have deemed them crazy. i am 58 years old and my life as i knew it is a thing of the past. i struggle just live day to day with this "thing" and i am very angry. i am in therapy to help cope and it helps, but i wonder what the future holds for me. i did find a special neurolist that is going to do mire testing to see how the disease is progressing. it makes me feel better to know there are people out there who understand this illness and can help with all the changes! to all of you fighting this please know you are not alone. God bless you all!

    - lori knowles

  • January 4, 2008 8:57 p.m.

    My father was diagnosised with Picks disease form of dementia two years ago. This past year we have had him moved from two different nusing homes, two assisted living facilities and now he is currently living with a host home care. It has been along time coming and verystressful. I just wonder what happens when you run out of places that will accept a person do to behaviors and you can not bring him home? Does anyone have any answers?

    - Amber

  • December 27, 2007 5:26 p.m.

    Keeping the holidays simple is the only way to cope with a family member with AZ. I was too exhausted to put anything on the tree except lights and my 89 year old mother thought it eas the most beautiful tree she had ever seen. I knew then that taking time to slow down, relax and enjoy the moments we still have is what's most important for now.

    - Mary

  • December 26, 2007 7:53 p.m.

    We had hoped to bring my husband to our son's home to celebrate Christmas with our family, but couldn't because his AZ is progressing so fast. It was a very sad first Christmas. Our kids had a DVD prepared for us - our anniversary is on NY eve. (47 years) They did play it at the nursing home and we don't know how much he really understand, if any. Keeping him there was hard on us, but we felt it was better for him. We all do feel increased stress, disappointment, and an incredible sadness. Holidays should be a happy time! I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, as he has adjusted to his environment, now I must too, and go on - but that is easier said than done when you love someone so much. I know when he sees me that he still loves me by the expression on his face..that is rewarding enough for awhile. Please find a cure soon as this is the most devestating disease.

    - Mary

  • December 24, 2007 6:44 p.m.

    This is the first Christmas living with my dad who had AD. When mom was alive - she always decorated every holiday - so i thought decorating for Christmas would perk dad up and maybe stir up some memories - he did nothing but complain and ask questions - and was just sure i was going to burn the house down - and i confess - i got frustrated and didn't hide it from dad - number one mistake. He can't help how he feels or how he thinks - and we as caregivers need to always be aware of that- At least now i know we won't be decorating for holidays while dad is living here - you gotta love them -

    - jackie

  • December 24, 2007 6:12 p.m.

    My husband's memory and confusion stopped deteriating & even improved a bit after stopping the sleeping pills he has been taking (every night)for years, first Elevil for about 15 years, then Ambien for the last 3 years. Is there a connection between taking these pills regularly for long term basis and memory loss? My husband is 86. He was diagnosed with Alzeimer 6 years ago and is on Aricept & Namenda. Ling

    - Ling

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