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• Housecall
• Alzheimer's caregiving
• Living with cancer

• March 6, 2009 7:30 a.m.

  My mother has alzheimer's too. She and my stepdad are still in their own home but it is very hard for him to keep her safe and happy. They are in their eighties and he is on oxygen. My mother has always been difficult to handle, stubborn and bossy. She refuses a caregiver except for once a week to clean. And mom is a clean freak. She wants my two sisters and I to take her out and come over. It's tearing me apart because my mother picks on one of my sisters and bad mouths us to the other siblings. I have stopped going over there because of her bad behavior and I have to admit I feel more calm and less anxious. Does anyone have a similar situation? I want to be able to spend time together but it's too hard to witness her abusiveness.

  - Carroll

• December 31, 2008 12:48 a.m.

  my maternal grandpa has AD and I believe he is in his last stages. He used to be in the army back home and now seeing him like this is devastating. He's in the hospital now because he has broken his hip and is bedridden and the doctors say he may never walk because he will not be able to do the therapy properly. It's extremely hard for my whole family to see him like this. We never know when his last day with us will be and the wait is killing us inside. He doesn't recognize anything, he's even stopped talking now and only sleeps. I don't know if this is right to say, but I do think death would be less painful for him. Atleast then he would be in peace. Am I the only one that feels like death at this stage is the best answer for him? ---sonia

  - No name given

• November 21, 2008 1:27 a.m.

  My mother is 87 and was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. She lives with me and my family. Without my husband and my two sons, ages 15 and 10, I would be totally lost. Especially my boys...they are a godsend. When I have trouble dealing with mom, they can step in and ease the way. They help by walking with her, and dealing with her when she is the most combative and angry with me for the reversal of roles. I often feel angry, not with her, but with the circumstances and I also feel that I was cheated out of time with her. We did not know she was so far along until she moved in, then it became very obvious. She was clever at covering. I thought I'd have more time with her, one on one time, but the disease robbed us of that. I'm still struggling with accepting that which I cannot change. It's an extremely hard row to hoe and without the support of my family I would never have been able to do this. I have so many questions, so much stress. I hate what this has done to her. It's horrible to watch my mom slowly slip away.

  - Sandi

• November 1, 2008 12:52 a.m.

  Someone once asked me "Am i going mad" i said no you are not going mad, your memories are just coming and going, 'It is us that are going mad those that are left behind to watch this terrible illness take our loved ones. I think of the years.. all too few, gone to fast, and accept the stark fact that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people open and see, Not a crabby old person; lOOK CLOSER... SEE ME!!

  - Bonnie

• August 19, 2008 1:24 p.m.

  I have been taking care of my mom for the past 4 yrs. I've given up my life to devote my time & energy to this horrible disease. I feel for my mom when she can't communicate how she feels (it's just horrible). Right now I'm at a stage where I'm just crying for help. The worst thing in life is to watch your mother wither like an autumn tree & have no clue of what's going on around her. I pray a cure is discovered soon. Life is not fair, but no one, I mean no one should have to live thru this disease. I would love to have someone to chat with. I tried joing a support group, but there's none in my area. I hope & pray I don't put my children thru something like this.

  - Ines

• June 26, 2008 4:43 p.m.

  I give-up my job just to take care of my husband,because I, love him he is my life.,married to him for 40 years. its just like a fairytale to me. there are time that I hate myself,its not that I, dont want to care for him, but I miss those happy days of our life.he still remember my name. being with him everyday at home is good memory from him.

  - Rebecca

• April 15, 2008 9:18 p.m.

  Just discovered this site. How comforting to hear the comments. I am an only child w/grown children in other states. I have been solely responsible for my Mother for the past 20 yrs. She is 96 and was diagnosed w/moderate Alzheimer's about 8 yrs. ago. She now lives in a nursing home and is angry, depressed and miserable there. She falls frequently and just returned from the hospital. The hardest thing is knowing how to relate to her. She always recognizes me and can be very alert, cognizant and rational at times. Other times she is delusional and is convinced there is a mother cat and kittens who live in her room. (She always loved animals). She's confined to a bed w/rails and an alarm and is angry and miserable at being so helpless. I cannot express how I grieve over her every day. Having to live out the remainder of your life in a nursing home without any independence or dignity or interests and without your beloved pet causes me such despair. I only hope I will die before I have to live like that.

  - Dale

• April 11, 2008 11:07 p.m.

  Doann, my heart goes out to you. The only times my mother has acted like that, it has turned out that she has had a urinary tract infection, without any obvious symptoms. When it is treated, she stills has alzheimer's but is not terrified and hallucinating. Take care

  - Mary

• April 2, 2008 1:36 a.m.

  My Mom, my best friend and a truly incredible woman, was diagnosed with AD just a few months ago. She'd had an MRI 6 months ago for an injury and, because she has macular degeneration and is practically deaf, she was terrified. She thought they were trying to kill her. She just turned 91. It seems that the AD has accelerated since the MRI. Could trauma have made this happen or does she have another type of mental or emotional disorder? She's in an assisted living where she's very happy and I'm afraid to move her into a nursing home or AD facility. She's stopped showering and won't let the caregivers help her. She's such an incredible woman who has never asked for anything. She's prayed every night since she was a child, but never for herself. She's been hallucinating and tells me all about what (and Who) she sees. The doctor and people I know who have been through this tell me that she doesn't know what's happening to her, but I'm afraid she does. She asks me if she's losing her mind or if she's seeing things. I think she's afraid and confused and I don't know what to do to make her feel better. I've been her caregiver/assistant for 16 years and this is the first time I don't know what to do. I know that I'm losing her and I don't know what to do. I read all the other comments and they all feel the way I do. Help! i just love her so much I hate to see her go through this.

  - Doann

• March 5, 2008 10:11 a.m.

  My grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease. It has been quite a struggle. My husband and I try our very best to cope with the situation. Alzheimers is not the greatest. It's hard to see him like this. I really try to visit him as much as possible. I have a alot more life ahead of me and I need to help him as much as possible, but I also need to deal with my career. I care for this man so much, I just hate seeing him like this.

  - Bella

• February 26, 2008 6:31 a.m.

  My father (67) was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year ago and I can not believe how in just the past year he is not the same man. He struggles so much with everything he tries to say and do. I believe he has had it for quite some time. It is heartbreaking for me to see him like this and it is only the beginning. I see him 5 days a week at this point and always leave brokenhearted just watching and looking at my father struggle with whatever he is doing. My father has always been a kind and gentle hearted human being, and now the anger that comes out in him is not him. I have a long road ahead of me, but I don't think I'm mentally prepared, but will deal with everything as it comes, because I love my father so dearly. I will do anything for him.

  - julie

• February 16, 2008 1:11 p.m.

  My Mother, My Best Friend, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at the time I was studying Echart Tolle’s book “Power of Now”, as I was trying to learn to live in the ‘Now’, my mother was going to be my teacher. My first lesson was to accept. Not easy, but I had a choice (this is the fork in the road) to remain distraught or to embrace, what I could not change, I chose to embrace. She showered me with lessons of ‘true’ importance, that nothing matters but ‘Love’. To get out of my world, where she could not enter and enter her world. By my entering her world we had such joy and fun. I was able to receive her gifts of final lessons with great gratitude and my gift to her was ‘letting go’ with knowing I would be alright. Life demands: acceptance, embracing and letting go. Are we being caring when we try to keep them here? For who are we thinking of? Is it for them or for us? I recently read: That people that are ill, suffering great pain or dying , they often call out for their mothe

  - Marcia

• February 16, 2008 12:25 p.m.

  My Mother and Best Friend, who lived from age 86 – 90 years with Alzheimer’s. I want to share some of the wonderful gifts I received along the way. I feel that we must change how we view these diseases or we will never get the final gifts they are trying to give us. The first gift was when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and at the same time I was studying the book “The Power of Now” by Echart Tolle. She was to become a living example of what I was trying to learn………Living in the Now. The second gift was when she left her home and never looked back. The home she loved and treasured, not missing the jewelry that was so much a part of her life, loosing her glasses, not missing them and being able to wear someone else’s glasses and as I watched others that lost their hearing aids and yet they seem to hear. Nothing matters – all those things that have been so important no longer mattered. The third huge gift is the meaning of ‘relationships’. It is all companionship. We a

  - Marcia

• February 7, 2008 9:38 p.m.

  Only time gives relief. You still love him and miss him, and ache for him in his pain and humiliation of the disease...but somehow time heals over your deepest wounds, and life goes on...and your love for him goes on also...it's been 18 months.

  - Marcella

• January 31, 2008 2:44 a.m.

  My husband died of alzheimer's on January 4, 2008, at 3:43 A.M.. Bob had been in a nursing home for seventeen months. He couldn't speak for the last few months of his life, nor did he know I was his wife of 55 years, our anniversary on July 26, 2007. What a horrendous disease it is. I am grieving his loss and only want to hold him once more. Is this selfish? I prayed that the lord would take him as he was in pain and suffering, finally going into a coma the last two days. Why is my grief so overwhelming then? He is out of my sight now and I no longer have that purpose in my life to plan my day around. I hope he knows I did all I could for him, and that he now knows that i am his loving wife. My tears come as I write this. Joan C

  - Joan Carpenter

• January 29, 2008 7:40 p.m.

  My mom is in her 11th year of AD. At 87,she is, we are told, in the end stages of the disease and has been for quite some time. I miss her so much. I live out of town and the rest of my family lives in town with her.While we are a big family, only one sibling visits daily. I have tried so many ways to find peace with her situation. I can't. I visit her every 8 weeks. It's not always easy to make the trip, but I love her so much and feel so bad that I cannot be with her every day to hold her hand and make sure she knows she is not alone. No matter how nice the nursing home, they're all the same. I can't stand seeing her there. She is totally dependent on others for everything. It might be wrong for me to say, but I wish her nightmare was over. She is such a dear sweet lady.How much longer will this horrible disease be allowed to taunt her? Day after day, she has the same thing to look forward to...nothing. Dear G-d, please give her strength or peace.

  - LaneyB

• January 27, 2008 9:59 a.m.

  How true, and will the suffering every go away? I say I wish I didn't love my husband so I could go on.... and this happens..Jim (AZ-72) had an awakening.. he was able to say "I've really been missing you" - (I was gone for 4 days) "I didn't want it this way" "this just kills me" "this is so hard for me" -it's his head that isn't ok- and more .. plus after telling him that we would take him home for a while, when it gets warmer... "He said It won't happen" we had the conversation I wanted to have since he was diaganosed.. there was confusion, but I understood all he was saying...he cried (in 47 years of marriage I've never seen that)lots of hugs and crying went on between us for two days. I will forever cherish those moments as he is back in his world now..I feel as if the love Jim and I have had for so long has grown stronger and he could finally express it..I thank God for that.

  - Mary

• January 23, 2008 6:31 p.m.

  My 93 year old mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and it was a shock to her and I really didn't understand the disease at all. In her mind she was from that moment on a crazy woman with no future. I think the the diagnoses made her crazy. She wouldn't speak very much after that and she had been quite a talker up until the diagnoses. I was not told the details but-six weeks later she died from morphine in the hospital. No mention of pain/choking though. Is there a question as to whether a person be told that they have Alzheimer's? Or of a death such as this one?

  - anon

• January 23, 2008 3:16 p.m.

  A close family member has FTD and she is only 41. Have you experienced this? Is this unusual? Our family has so many questions and don't understand how this happens with someone so young with young children of her own.

  - No name given

• January 22, 2008 8:07 p.m.

  I have been caring for my mom since my father dies 9 years ago. the dementia has been notice more since 2004. now she does not remeber where the bathroom is and if we go out for the daay, she is not sure where she lives. She only knows the living room where she eats, sleeps and watches tv. I can not leave for more than an hour wiht out her panicing told tome by the care givers or my daughter. my mom also forgets that she ate and asks for lunch two to three times int he afternoon. i can not tell her she ate, she'll just get mad and cry, so i feed her, but she has been gaining weight. my dad dies of cancer 9 years ago, though he only siffered form dementia three years. It kills me to see my other parent go through the same thing.

  - jim

• January 22, 2008 5:30 p.m.

  My mother had dementia for over 10 years. She would become upset when she couldn't remember things. She had 18 children and we chose not to have her go to a nursing home, because she would of been lost. We wanted to keep her in her surroundings that she was familar with. She died on July 4, 2006 at the age of 82. All of her children took turns caring for her to the very end. She was very good with remembering all of our names and things that happened years ago. My father was an excellent caregiver to her also. When they say for better or worse, my dad understood and stood by her knowing she had this disease. He was lost without her when she died. About 11 months later, we found out he had stage 4 brain cancer. He died on August 1, 2007. What a blessing that they are together again. They were married for 63 years.

  - Chrissy

• January 17, 2008 6:01 p.m.

  I'm not a total stranger to this disease. My grandmother lived with me as I grew up, and died at the age of 96 with the last 10 years having no memory of anyone. Now my father is in the beginning stages and he recognizes it. This makes him very depressed and angry. He lashes out when I want to help and says very hurtful things. I know this was not the father of my childhood, so I go on with my love for him. It seems he is declining rapidly and I want to be there for him more, but I am caught in the middle because I am raising my own kids who are still young. I know there are plenty of others out there in this situation. My heart goes out to all.

  - Julie

• January 16, 2008 9:16 p.m.

  I lost my mom to Alzheimers about five years ago and then my husband started to show signs of a problem four years ago. He was diagnosed with FTD. He is a massive handful to just try and keep under controland now goes to a special day program three half-days a week which is helping me keep my sanity. I too realize that I am grieving the loss of a husband as I go through each step and know I will be faced with placing him in a care facility within the next six months. I think the biggest problem is dealing with guilt facing this huge step and yet I know that I am almost at my wit's end and becoming angry. He is as happy as a lark - no problems which is a godsend. To all of you coping - look after yourself too -

  - Kathleenj

• January 16, 2008 12:34 p.m.

  My mother died of Alzheimer's 2 years ago. Throughout her years of illness I referred to Alzheimer's as the "long goodbye". What I came to understand during that time was the need to honour each stage of a person's life, regardless of how different each stage is. After her death I realized that, indeed, I had been grieving for her as she passed through each stage of the disease. I found some comfort in the realization that, as it became harder for us, it became easier for her.

  - Ellen

• January 15, 2008 9:31 p.m.

  This is my second parent with dementia: first, my mother who died in a nursing home after 3 weeks almost five years ago. I am either greiving or in a depression...just know I'm sick. Past two years am dealing with my Dad's widow and her dementia. She's in a nursing home in another state; try to see her at least monthly and telephone her twice a week. She doesn't remember visits nor calls. Seems her family members(and there are only neices, nephews are busy people with their own issues). I choose to love her and some way it brings me a peace to manage what she no longer can and joy to see her smile. s

  - s