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• Housecall
• Alzheimer's caregiving
• Living with cancer

• October 20, 2009 10:52 p.m.

  Hello all, I first want to say how sorry I am for all of you with loved ones suffering from Alzheimer's. I know for you the pain is sometimes so hard you want to give up. I only wish my father had had the support that is available these days. ... My father was an Air Force Col., diagnosed when he was 45 years. I was just 12. My brother, two years older than me, and I were not equipped to handle it. My mother chose to go along, as was perhaps typical of her day, as if all was just fine. ... And so, we did not deal at all, really. Instead we watched with one eye shut, as my father deteriorated. Eventually, long after my father was admitted to the Alzheimer's ward in Brockton, bed-ridden and for the most part unaware, I did cry loud enough to be heard by a few... walked the Appalachian Trail in his honor and to raise money for the cause. ... His doctor did put the money into a fund which I'd like to think helped somehow. Though he never returned my calls when I returned from my walk. ... All this said, times have changed. Thank God. I would have given anything for the support there is now. Just a word from another who is suffering from the same thing. Patient or caregiver. Doctors too! Although life is okay for me now, 15 years after my father finally passed, I have never fully recovered. I keep saying "what if. ... if only. ... " I guess what I'm saying is to all of you out there: Don't turn your backs. Get help and support, be present, and talk about what's

  - Elizabeth

• August 20, 2009 8:38 a.m.

  Mom and Dad were living at home until his recent hospitalization for congestive heart failure. She suffers from moderate demetia, he has his wits about him, so to speak. I helped them move into assisted living facility in my town. They are quite dissatisfied. She wants to go home and is cold at all times so leaves the air in their room on 85, which makes it difficult for Dad to function. He is very submissive to her wants/desires so feels that he needs to take her back home--to a town 30 minutes away from me, the only caregiver, although he is currently trying to regain his strength with walker/cane and she is unable to cook, clean, bath at home and runs off any outside caregiver. I go to see them every day, at which time they set in on how they must go home, this isn't working, it is too cold here, etc. I am also holding down a fulltime teaching job and taking care of their finances which are scattered over several towns, generally doing their secretarial bidding every day after work. I am at my wits end, my husband has had it, and now we want to undo all of the extensive work involved in getting through the summer hospitalizations and move to the assisted living facility. I guess I am asking if anyone else deals with this--one person with dementia enabled by a spouse who is unwilling to admit the obvious and how do you handle it?

  - CC

• July 23, 2009 4:18 p.m.

  The last time I talked to my mother was on the phone 3 years ago. Her memory was foggy, but she knew me. I was in prison from '07-'09, and she now has totally lost all recognition of family members. I will be going back to see her in 3 months and I wonder if there will be any kind of sign of her recognizing me? I'm sure she was worried about me and wondered where I was, when her memory was still okay. I'm hoping for just a look in her eyes that will tell me she knows me. I feel guilty for moving away from her and not being for the bad times when she was still living in her own home.

  - Ramona

• June 10, 2009 9:42 a.m.

  My mother has alzheimers disease and recently had a ministroke. she had an mri and they found brain cancer. she is still in good spirits and fair health. my question would be," should she be constantly changing households multiple times during the week between my 3 sisters and my self. I am her son and I certainly don't mind taking my mother during the day, but she is very anxious and unsettled at the end of the day. I live in an upstairs duplex 3 flights of stairs and my mother wonders, understandably,but I'm uncomfortable with the overnight visits afterall she is a proud lady and if some unfortunate accident (bathoom type) should occur she'd be devastated to have a man clean her up . Am I off base.

  - jhwpa

• March 16, 2009 1:04 p.m.

  My mother is in the last stages of alzheimers. The road has been a very hard one and it is getting harder. My mother was diagonised 6 years ago and watching the disease progress is like lossing her one piece at a time. My father was the main caregiver with help from my sister, myself and outside agency-we are able to keep her at home. This past October we lost my father to a fatal "scooter" accident (my father's way of avoiding the high gas prices). My father was in a coma for 6 days and we held his hand until he took his last breathe. The loss of my father was a blow to everyone. At the time of the accident, my mother did not know her family-except we were friendly faces she trusted and totally dependent on for care(she had lost ablility to walk,stand,or move her arms or legs). My mother stopped talking many many months ago except for the occasional words. At this point, my sister nor I have not had the time to grieve over the loss of my father because we had to jump in and take care of our mother. We still have her at home with round the clock care-which is a blessing we are able to provide this. In the last week, the doctor has stopped all of my mother's meds focusing on pain control and her decline has progressed to the point where the frequent periods of blank stares are becoming longer. Our hearts are broken-watching helplessly as both parents die. Time is precious-this is a heartbreaking disease and ever moment you have is a blessing.

  - Sherri

• December 11, 2008 4:14 p.m.

  I have noticed that my friend who has alzheimers responds extremely well to head massages when he is agitated. He can be quite aggresive but the massages really reduce the frenetic behavior. Is this normal care for alzheimers and are massages often used in alzheimer homes?

  - michael

• December 5, 2008 4:30 p.m.

  To Ann May 28, 2008 and all others that this may help. I totally agree that there are times when family, or friend, intervention is much needed. I can speak from experience, as well as my own concerns for friends. I was in a car accident which left me with demensia for a time. Fortunately, due to family and dr. care, I was able to go through the steps of medication and recovery that I needed. However, to this day, I still have flashes of memory losses regained. Very strange to experience. I give thanks to all who are so helpful with those having this condition, or worse. it is emotionally difficult for those helping, as well as the injured. God bless you.

  - Carol

• June 11, 2008 8:11 a.m.

  My husband and I live in a Continuing Care Retirement Community. There was an important nitch missing in the care available to couples in Independent Living Units. Those who have spouses with mild to intermediate Alzheimers have no help except paying $20.00 a hour for an agency worker. We want to keep our husbands/wives with us for as long as possible before placing them in the Alzheimer's wing. Three of us have formed a Support Group in which seventeen registered. We are starting a Pilot Club for the Memory Impared spouses to meet once a week so that the caregivers can have a day off. The Support Groups (we divided into two) meet twice a month and so far have proved to be very beneficial to all. The Pilot Club will start soon and required a lot of work with the administration. State and Federal liability laws are very prohibitive and limit what the retirement community can provide. Yes, caregiving is tough, and having friends to talk with about out mutual problems and experiences is important to me. Thank you for giving us this information chat outlet.

  - Barbara Hobart Valbuena

• June 10, 2008 6:35 p.m.

  Re: relationships. My daughter was in total denial for 3-1/2 years. The change in my handwriting finally brought her to reality. My sons still think of their mom as "super mom." My husband was in denial for 2 years. He is my main caregiver and Home Health Care comes to our house once a week. Sadly, I was the first one to recognize my brain was not working properly. Forced to retire early. Four different doctors and four different diagnoses along with several MRIs of the brain has changed the doctors opinions. My choice is to rely upon the Lord. He said, "I will be with you always," and I believe Him!

  - spicy61

• June 8, 2008 10:23 a.m.

  Marie and Tempest, The solution about the VA is that you need to write to the Director of the VA in your home state and have your doctor outline your loved ones' problem. At the rate the waiting list is growing, your loved ones will have expired before they get into a VA nursing facility. Have you thought about asking for Hospice in home care? If your loved ones are entitled to VA care, chances are that the VA will pay for it. I have also seen the financial matter handled by checking state laws to see if the other family members can be charged for your nursing services. Having the option to pay or take the responsibility for an ageing parent on a rotating basis may help them ante up to their responsibilities. When the lawyers comes round, they will be loving and doting children. But when illness strikes too often some children get the idea that "its not my problem" when it is everyone's problem. Marie, try it and you may be surprised at the response. Also, what does your state say about responsibility to the elderly by their children? You also might want to check the ELDERCARE laws in your state. Bunny

  - Bunny