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• Housecall
• Alzheimer's caregiving
• Living with cancer

• November 23, 2009 1:15 p.m.

  4 years ago my mother in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 74. See my husband and I are young (I just turned 40 this year, he's 42) with young children, our oldest a son is 15 with severe Autism. We moved a trailer beside our home and have taken care of her full time since. Last year my brother in law moved in with her, moving up from Texas and he himself with health issues (alcoholism mainly). It took a load off my back having him here because he takes the day shift (my shift, since hubby works) and hubby has the evening shift, I do all cooking, banking, doctor's stuff and shopping....along with taking care of our home and our 2 children. Sometimes I feel like I'm not pulling my share and feel so bad for both of them. She has been in pull-ups and unable to walk on her own for 3 full years. They do showers and pull-up changes everyday 4 times a day. Remember I speaking of 2 SONS not a daughter or daughter in law, sons! They can get a little cranky, but laugh alot over the real silly things their mom comes up with, it's either laugh or cry I guess. I wonder how much longer they can hold on. My husband tells me "I know you're not happy with the situation" I tell him "would anyone?" But it doesn't change the fact that I love him and I married him for better or worse....and I'll be there no matter what. I tell him "Today might have been a real booger.....but tomorrow is another day." I hope you all have someone to talk to,c

  - Cherri

• May 10, 2009 10:36 p.m.

  Tina -- I'm new here, so I just read your post. You might try to see if you can get your Dad to agree to having Mom go to a Day Care facility that specializes in Alzheimers a few days a week. It would be good for her socialization, and good for him to 1) give him a little break, and 2) wean him a little from the fact that he doesn't/can't do it all. It will probably make the transition to a FT care facility easier later. My Dad has Alz in my family, and his wife is struggling with how to come to the ultimate terms with it as well. We starting Dad in day care a couple of years ago and it has been very beneficial to both of them. While the final decision of a FT care facility is going to be tough (but coming soon), I think this has hopefully made that transition a little easier for both in the long run. In his wife's case, there is finacial concern as well, since there assets are joint which is problematic from a Medicare perspecitive, for her ongoing life. That will be a closer monitoring to make the right decision for both of them when that time comes. The Caregiver will rarely ask for help, at their own detriment, even though they really need it. They actually need as much help as the patient.

  - Patty

• March 1, 2009 5:22 p.m.

  Look up Agency on Aging, Social Services, etc. There are nurses who can come and assess your mother in law, and advice you and her what is needed. There are so many services for the elderly, that caregivers just can't find. Start with your local government and see what they can do to help.

  - Peggy

• February 3, 2009 10:46 a.m.

  I have read all of the posts and really envy all of your dedication and patience. I am caring for my mother-in-law who is living with us now. I am the sole caregiver for the most part, though occasionally one of her kids will call. She has not been officially diagnosed. She came to my house one day and said she was moving in. Her daughter had just kicked her out. She is extremely paranoid and forgetful. She hides things so no one will take them (money, pills, diapers, papers, food)then when she can't find them she goes on a rampage swearing someone is stealing from her. I talked to her 'doctor'. I explained everything at a seperate appointment before I took her in. He seemed to understand my concerns, but when my m-i-l went in he asked her things like who is the president, what year is it and then pronounced her mentally sound? She refuses to see another doctor. And refuses all help with her meds, hiding them so we can't make sure she's taking them right. At one point she was taking 2 of the same thyroid meds because the labels read a different brand name. She also leaves the house without telling anyone. She will ask total strangers for rides and go with them. The police have brought her home a few times when she got confused... I'm at my wits end. My own health has deteriorated and I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't say a word to my husband, so I really have no where to vent I guess. Its easier to be quiet than cause problems between us. Any help??

  - Anna

• January 29, 2009 11:30 p.m.

  I was concerned by the comment "doing something that isn't as it should be". I hope that someone will do the same for me as I am doing for my 90 year old mother-not that I really expect it to happen! Now that I look back I can see that I have been a caregiver many times-for my in-laws children when their baby sister was hospitalized and later died; for a dying neighbor whose family just couldn't stand to see him die; for my 102 year old grandmother and for my father when he had cancer. I think family should care for each other. When I tell people I am my mother's sole caregiver, I often hear "Oh, I am sorry." I tell them, "I am not sorry." My husband supports andhelps out to give me a break when I need it. It isn't easybut I will never regret what I am doing (and my siblings may regret what they didn't do).

  - Nenee

• January 28, 2009 10:16 a.m.

  For Elsie Scharf: My wife has Alzheimers for at least 9 years, and possibly longer.She has been diagnosed with the disease 5 years ago. The last 3 years she has been totally dependant on me.I am her security blanket, and I love it.Being married to this beutiful woman for the past 49 and 1/2 years,brought us closer together than we've ever been before. To get my wife into the tub for a bath, or shower is very simple; we shower together, at least every second day. Sometimes she even tries to scrub my back. Whereever we go, we go together. Yes it is difficult. The sadest part of it all, is the loss of people whom I believed were my friends, who one by one started to abandon us as my wife began to get more sick. To them I said: what goes around comes around. For those of you who care for your loved ones, please make sure they are well fed, and given the maximum supplements of vitamins, and minerals,plus their medications, and make sure they swallow all of them.(my wife has a habit of stashing one of the pils in her cheek, just like a sqirrel) and later spitting it out)so I make sure she doesn't. I believe in miracles, and I will never give up.My hope is that no one else will.

  - Bill

• January 28, 2009 1:26 a.m.

  I watched my neighbor for several years suffering from Alzheimer. I miss him now that he is gone. He made me feel like a million bucks when I do little things for him. He would always say, "Hey, your OK" I know it is a burden to care for your partner or parent, but it is not forever although it may seem that way at times. Try to find the humor in some of the things they come up with. I will never forget my neighbor. My heart goes out to all of the caregivers giving so much of themselves 24/7.

  - Bernie

• January 27, 2009 4:20 p.m.

  I've just participated in the annual "Walk for Memories" to raise funds for Alzheimer's and related dementias research. My journey with my husband Ted who had Pick's disease, is now in the past. Ted died 5 years ago. From this distance I can see so many blessings that happened because of our experience. It was no easier for us than for any of you who have expressed yourselves. The trials, fears, angers, loss of friends, family and funds happened to us just as it has to many of you. And yet- the experience has made a new person of me. I'm stronger, more compassionate, more patient, more independent than I ever would have been without going through such tragedy. And so I would like to offer each and everyone of you who are right in the midst of this difficult time, HOPE. It's up to you to reach out for help. Say NO when you can't do anymore Acknowledge that you're doing the best you can. One day you too will look back and be amazed at just how far you've come.

  - Carol

• January 27, 2009 2:59 p.m.

  My mom has early stages of Alzheimer's. She has short term memory loss. Some days are worse than others. She cycles about every 2 months now. She gets really bad, enough for hospitalization. She is able to return home alone. I have someone to come make breakfast and lunch and assure she takes the right meds. I go over with my 9 year old son every nite to cook dinner/meds. There are no support groups close to me. I am an only child. No other family to help. I want to try to keep her out of a nursing home if possible. I'm adopted, but she's the only mother I've ever known. I am thankful for that gift. Glad to have found you all. Posts are very informative and helpful! Thanks!

  - ~ Dinah

• January 22, 2009 5:02 p.m.

  okay, a practical question...how can i convince mom to get in the tub!!!

  - elsie scharff

• January 20, 2009 1:26 p.m.

  Our Mother has dimentia and is being cared for by my sister. It is a very difficult, tiring and stressful job but she does it out of love and respect. Some days are more difficult than others. I live out of state so our daily phone calls seem to help give my sister the release and support she needs to vent, to share and yes sometimes to be angry. We laugh, we cry, we thank God that she is able to do this and is blessed with a very supportive husband. But for those other family members...remember how difficult it is for our siblings who are the main caretakers. Offer support, try give of your time not your money or advice. For those that caretake, they need breaks, time off from this endless, selfless full time job. We visit or call and think "wow mom just isn't there any more"...think of how it is to care daily 24/7 for this loved one. Sometimes a joy, sometimes a very difficult angry stranger, but still our mom! It is a sacrifice, it is at times an unbearable heart ache but with love, we can share the stories, behaviors, antics and try to find the humor that makes these difficult moments ok. Until you live this daily don't be judgemental and keep your thoughts to yourself unless it is of course to "take mom" for a few hours, days, weeks and provide the time off needed. Education is the best advice I can offer. Take a course on dimentia/Alz. contact the Alzheimer's Assoc. for reliable information and support, it is priceless for all family members. www.al

  - Annie

• January 17, 2009 6:18 a.m.

  My father had Alzheimer's. One day things got worst and he was put into a rest home. I though to myself I am going to try to heal his condition. I looked back and though of everything I ever heard of that can heal. Magnets, crystals, aroma therapy, herbs. One day I walked into a dollar store and they were selling health magnets. I hunged them from my ears and my whole life changed. I investigated magents and found that they are a negative ion generators. I googled magnets and negative ions and found out in Japan they are curing Alzheimer's with negative ion therapy. Then I remembered my dad was already wearing one and realized that he was already being cured. To make a long story short, he no longer has alzheimer's. In 1998 a book called Chakra healing it was also writen that Alzheimer's was a blockage of the crown chakra. I bought some Moldavite, a powerful stone, and made a necklace for him, thinking lets try unblocking his crown chakra as descrivbed in the book. The next time I saw him I said "I did it!" He looked ten years younger with no Alzheimer's. Doctors will never prescribe magnets or stones for Alzheimer's so only folks like myself you will discover this.

  - Tom Hutchingson

• January 15, 2009 11:05 a.m.

  The 11 years that my husband Bill and I shared his Alzheimer's was the "in sickness" part of our long marriage. His admirable attitude and my determination to make this part of our life as meaningfull as possible brought us closer together than ever. Being together awakened his emotional memory and improved the quality of our life. Utilizing out inner resources to fight the sad disease made it possible for us to weather it with dignity and love. When I wrote my book,"Everything Will Be Alright: an Alzheimer's memoir" after his death, I was able to remember him with only love and admiration. It's our love story to remember -- and proceeds from my book are donated to Alzheimer's research.The feed back I get from readers tell me how it has improved that chapter in their lives.

  - glory read

• January 15, 2009 10:15 a.m.

  My mother is just now going thru the testing for alzhiemers. She has a lost of alot of her short term memory. I thought losing my 22 year old son was the worst thing in the world, losing my mother little by little is a very close second. It hurts so bad to see the fear and confusion in her eyes. She wacthed and help take care of her father as the disease took his life. I hope in some way, I can make this easier on her.

  - Snowbird

• January 14, 2009 1:44 p.m.

  I looked after my mother who had alzheimers disease and who passed away in 1997. You never forget how tired, frustrated etc you were at that time. But beyond that I consider it an honour to have been able to do it and would do it again in an instant!! When we had a caregiver(from an agency ) to come in for a few hours a week, I always made it look like she was my friend just coming for tea.( I requested no uniforms were worn ! ) After awhile, I would say I would just pop out for some milk and then leave for a few hours of much needed rest. I always bought her a plant or something for herself when I came back. This helped with her not becoming angry that I had gone.This worked very well. Just do the best you can do and get help as much as you need so you dont get burnt out. You will never regret doing for your parent, and is such a great example to children as well.All the best to all you caregivers!!!

  - susan

• January 14, 2009 12:36 p.m.

  My mother has had alzheimers for about two year. When she wants to go home she can literally ask to go home for 36 hours. That is how long she stayed awake a couple of times. Telling her we will take her home "tomorrow" does not always work when she is especially agitated, nor does distraction and a ride in the car help. Her" home" is the home of her childhood. She wants to go home to her mother and often feels that my sister and I have abducted her and are keeping her from going home. When she is really agitated, she can be agressive. If you have any suggestions about what to do when she becomes this agitated, please let me know.

  - Sandy

• January 13, 2009 11:15 p.m.

  Mom is having a tough time swallowing pills now. Her Care Attendents are angels who care and cherish her. With time and patience they help her with a nutritional drink and each pill goes down slowly. We had a swallowing study done three months ago and physically all is well. It's just that she doesn't remember how to swallow any more. At 80 my Mother is losing her mind slowly. Now she smiles and does not speak. I love to hold her hand and hug her. She naps quite a bit. Although she is not in her home she feels at home in the Cottages where she has her own room and many people around her. We love you Mom. cheri - ed - kathy

  - Cheryl

• January 13, 2009 4:33 p.m.

  To Carole, My grandmother who was living with us would also get agitated and say she wanted to go home. I would then put her in the car and go for a little ride, even if it was just around the block. By the time we got home she had calmed down and would walk right into the house. :) We were both happy!

  - Anne

• January 13, 2009 2:51 p.m.

  My mother has had Alzheimers for about 9 years. She is at the stage of wanting to go "home". My dad is 83 years old and thinks no one can care for her but him. It is begining to take a toll on him and we do not know what to do. He will not send her to a nursing home because he thinks they will be mean to her, even though he sometimes loses his temper with her. We hepl out all that we can, but we have families and jobs to go to. I feel so sad ALL the time, like I have no reason to smile any more. He needs outside help but won't let us get it.

  - tina

• January 12, 2009 6:39 a.m.

  I feel so much for all of you. I have been a caregiver for over 2 years to my mother who has moved into our home. Everyone in my family, including Mom has always dealt with everything in life with a sense of humor. Alzheimer's is, of course, a horrific, cruel disease, but some of the little things that happen on a daily basis are just plain funny. I focus on those, among other things, in a blog that I write for therapy. Check it out some time: glasseyedgradys.blogspot.com Best of luck, Melissa

  - Melissa

• January 11, 2009 5:51 p.m.

  Even for patients receiving complex, intensive medical care for serious and life-threatening illness, family caregiving is typically at the core of what sustains patients at the end of life. The amorphous relationship between physicians and the families of patients at the end of life presents both challenges and opportunities for which physicians may be unprepared. Families play important roles in the practical and emotional aspects of patient care and in decision making at the end of life. At the same time, family members may carry significant burdens as a result of their work. Through the perspectives of the wife, daughter, and home care nurse of a patient who died from pancreatic cancer, we illustrate the range of family caregiver experiences and suggest potentially helpful physician interventions. We describe 5 burdens of family caregiving (time and logistics, physical tasks, financial costs, emotional burdens and mental health risks, and physical health risks) and review the responsibilities of physicians to family caregivers. Based on available evidence, we identify 5 areas of opportunity for physicians to be of service to family members caring for patients at the end of life, including promoting excellent communication with family, encouraging appropriate advance care planning and decision making, supporting home care, demonstrating empathy for family emotions and relationships, and attending to family grief and bereavement. http://cancerof.blogspot.com

  - Trish

• January 9, 2009 6:46 p.m.

  http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/121411445/HTMLSTART?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0 Please read

  - Jim

• January 9, 2009 3:08 p.m.

  Dearest Carole, I am caring for my husband, who has been my sweetheart for over 52 years. I find if you just go along with their thoughts, it works to help their confusion. Try saying to your Mother" Your house is being freshly painted, and this is where you will stay until everything is ready for you. It might work. My husband was a wonderful man who could do anything, whether it was build a house, repair a car,ect. He was such a worker,raised on a farm, milking cows by hand before he went to school. We are fortunate to have a wonderful minister. We go to church every Sunday, and everyone makes Don feel so good. I thank God for everyday I can take care of my love. I was a teenage bride, so I am seven years younger. I am sure this was God's plan. God bless you honey. Lucy

  - Lucy

• January 8, 2009 2:31 p.m.

  I wish someone could help as to how to deal with my 89 yr old mother. She is at her home now and keeps asking us to take her home and gets very agitated when we tell her she is at home. Could someone suggest what I should say to her. I don't know how to deal with all of this. Thank You Carole

  - carole

• January 7, 2009 11:56 p.m.

  My father was dianosed with alzehemiers in Sept of 07 by two different Dr. I live out of state with a sister close by our father. Our problem is we do not talk to each other, my sister won't talk to me that is. She says I don't live by my father all these years so why should I decide anything.I tried to tell her we will need each other soon. She won't take my calls so I go to see our father who still lives alone but goes to a friends house twice a day for breakfast and dinner. My father is slipping away from us and we will need to help one another in the coming years and I don't know how to fix her and I? I am still a daughter even with miles between us. I see our father as much as she does. HELP BJ

  - BJ