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Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.
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Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.
Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.
Mary Murry is a nurse-midwife practitioner who is certified by the American College of Nurse-Midwives.
A Cincinnati native, she is a nurse-midwife and instructor of obstetrics and gynecology in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn.
Mary has been a nurse-midwife practitioner for more than 20 years. She co-edited the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy.
Her research interests include adult female survivors of sexual abuse, women's perception of pain in labor and obesity in pregnancy.
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Pregnancy and you blog
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March 12, 2008
Miscarriage brings silent anguish
By Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.
Almost 25 percent of all pregnancies are lost to miscarriage, for many reasons. I'm not going to go through them here. What I want to talk about is what happens to those 25 out of 100 women who lose their baby.
When we discover that we are pregnant, we don't think of zygotes, embryos or fetuses. We think of babies. We think of sons and daughters. We start planning the minute we know we're pregnant. So when a woman miscarries she loses a baby. It doesn't matter if she is 7 weeks or 15 weeks.
The feeling of loss is real and it is painful. Some women feel guilty. If they hadn't done this or that the baby wouldn't have died. Maybe they weren't real excited when they first found out, but became accustomed and more positive. She can feel that it is punishment for her initial negative feeling. We need to let go of that guilt.
Whether or not the pregnancy is going to make it is determined in many ways the minute the sperm and egg unite. There is little a woman can do to cause a miscarriage. It happens because it was meant to. That doesn't make the pain any less.
People will often say things that are hurtful without meaning to. "Thank goodness you weren't further along." "You're young, you can have another." Things to that effect. Then there are the people who won't talk to you about it because they don't know what to say. You know women who are due when you would be due. You see baby clothes you would have bought. Your due date comes and you cry through the whole day, in private, in silence.
It is only after you have a miscarriage that you find out how many other women have suffered a miscarriage. We just don't talk about it with anyone. This is when the silence can end. These women know your sorrow, your loss. Talk to women who know your sorrow and loss, and share your feelings. You can do it here, or on other sites just for women who have lost babies. You will find a community of women who understand.
162 comments posted
March 19, 2008 2:41 p.m.
When someone in my family gets pregnant we do not have baby showers or get excited. We are a family that has alot of lost babies late in pregnancy. I lost two babies shortly after they were born. I had children in between loosing them. I was determined to have a baby and was pregnant for 4 years straight. It is still painful to think about the baby girl Marissa and boy Hayden. Having to have a birth certificate then a death certificate in the same day is just crushing.I do have two healthy, smart and beautiful children now. I would be lost without them. I missed out on the joys of pregnancy. The way the world works pregnancy and everything about it is so in your face. People see it everywhere when they are grieving and the remarks from family and strangers still astonishes me. Then I meet a lady in the store who sees me buying formula and tells me about her loss. I do not tell her about my losses...I just listen. Sometimes that is all you need to do. Thanks for listing. KM
- Kelley
March 19, 2008 7:55 a.m.
My daughter miscarried two years ago, it was called a blighted ovum. She had had an MRI not knowing for sure that she might be pregnant and then not knowing for sure that it was the MRI. She of course blames herself, thinking of course that she shouldn't of had the MRI. She doesn't talk about it much just comes up from time to time how old it would be now if it had gone to full term. She has had a new baby girl this January and both are fine.
- Liz
March 18, 2008 10:19 p.m.
I had a miscarriage in 1976, in February. It was so devastating at the time, that I wrote about my feelings, feeling grief over losing Todd/Christy. I am now 67, but still think that the baby would be a certain age now, and what might our lives have been? There's still a space within you that would have been filled by that child in some way.
- Joan
March 18, 2008 9:24 p.m.
"A mother never forgets" resonates as I read through these comments. My friend lost her baby during her eight month of pregnancy. Those words were said by the priest at the funeral. I cannot possibly imagine what women who lose their baby at 1 week, 1 month or 8 months may feel, but I believe that pain doesn't care how far along you were. Do remember that there are many of us out there to mourn with you, listen to you, and whether we have the right words or not, share a piece of our hearts with you. To all the beautiful women who have experienced this personally or through someone you love, my heart goes out to you all.
- Judith
March 18, 2008 7:18 p.m.
My sister miscarried three times, only to finally have a little boy. I shudder to think what must go through her head when people ask, "When do you think you're going to have another?" My thoughts are with anyone who goes through this.
- Claire
March 18, 2008 4:42 p.m.
I lost my first pregnancy last February at 10 weeks. We were devastated, and had to "un-tell" many people. Counseling helped, but when I got pregnant again in August, I think both of us held our breath until about 17 weeks. We just didn't know. It took a while for me to feel I could be excited safely. Like others, I learned about so many friends who had miscarried after. We've tried to be honest when people ask us "is this your first?" and talk about the miscarriage, because we feel it honors our lost child more than not discussing it. The loss stays with you, though.
- Emily
March 18, 2008 3:34 p.m.
I also lost a baby in November. We had just told our family over the Thanksgiving holiday only to retract it the weekend to follow. It was and is horrifying! Now as my husband and I are trying again... it's almost harder to be excited.
- Mandi
March 18, 2008 10:24 a.m.
It is something that stays with you. I miscarried in November. One week before Thanksgiving when my husband and I were going to tell both of our families. The holidays were hard with the inevitable questions..."so when are the two of you going to start a family?". I just couldn't talk about it. But it is amazing how may women I know that have miscarried...and of course I didn't find out until afterward. I confided in one friend who told me about all the others. She had miscarried three times herself before having her first child. It is painful and depressing, I'm tearing up even as I write, but it helps to know there are so many other people out there feeling the same way. Hugs to you all.
- Kate
March 17, 2008 12:43 p.m.
I had a miscarriage last spring. I was 36 and it was my first pregnancy ever - after a lifetime of wanting so bad to be a "mommy", and two years of actually trying and enduring fertility treatments. The grief we felt at the time of the miscarriage was nothing compared to the grief we felt as the due date approached. I wish the medical community was more tuned in to the emotional aspects of infertility and miscarriage. I have endured many family deaths and other emotional distress in my life, and none of it compares to the grief of infertility and miscarriage. Each month, you muster up the strength to be optimistic enough to try again. And each month, you grieve the loss of that hope when your pregnancy test is negative again for the umpteenth time. It usually seems like about that same day when you'll read a news story about a child who was abused, neglected, or even killed, and you can't help but to wonder "why did that person get to have a child? and why can't we inste
- Ann
March 15, 2008 4:07 p.m.
Thank you for the article. I am now 72 and lost my first pregnancy many years ago. I was fortunate enough to have two healthy children and now have grandchildren and great-grandchildren, but I still inwardly mourn that long-ago loss, and wonder "what might have been". We do heal, but the memory is always there.
- Muriel
March 15, 2008 2:19 p.m.
The article was very comforting. It is good to know that the range of emotions that I am feeling are normal. I keep feeling like I am okay with my miscarriage, but then something small and seemingly insignificant brings it all to the surface again. This article makes me feel more courageous about sharing my feelings with others, that there are people out there to talk to.
- Tiffany
March 13, 2008 7:57 p.m.
Thank you for a beautiful article. The loss of a baby is always very difficult. It takes time to heal - even if the loss is very early on in the pregancy. My heartful prayers to all those moms who are reading this who's heart is still hurting.
- Mary Jo
162 comments posted