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With Mayo Clinic oncologist Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

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November 30, 2007 3:03 p.m.

Making the best of each day

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By Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Yes, we do learn from each other. Not only in the Internet community of our blog but also from professional, casual and social relationships. Let me explain.

I recently visited with a remarkable gentleman who had a serious situation of far-advanced lung cancer approximately one year ago. The patient underwent extensive surgery, radiation and chemotherapy; experienced considerable toxicities; yet, today, on the basis of our evaluations he remains cancer free. Now, for the rest of the story.

He shared with me that one day several months ago he lost virtually all of his earthly possessions in a devastating flood here in Southeast Minnesota. The gentleman is a widower; has no close family or relatives; and in the course of approximately one hour, lost his home and all of his possessions.

The situation became very complicated because of his frustrations in trying to resolve myriad financial and insurance issues.

I asked him how he was able to deal not only with cancer, but with this current setback. He simply said, "I am just not going to let them wear me down. I am a strong person and I will not give up one moment of my peace and my well-being to deal with these people."

This gentleman shared with me that should he have a stroke or a heart attack or some major health consequence of dealing with these agencies, obviously, not one of them will really care about his well-being. He shared with me a determination, a focus, and the need to make the best of each day and not become distracted by situations and circumstances over which he has no control.

This was a powerful lesson for me and I would be most grateful for how some of our blog participants not only deal with serious medical problems but also the bewildering number of financial and business-related problems that threaten our serenity and peace of mind.

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19 comments posted

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March 25, 2008 11:26 p.m.

My husband has MS, diabetes, prostate cancer, hss had two heart attacks, angioplasty and surgery (5 bypasses and a LIMA). He became disabled by fatigue and loss of short term memory all in the past few years. We have six grown adult children with families (our grandchildren). One daughter and her family will have nothing to do with any of us. She has not spoken to me or bothered with us for nearly 3 years. She always seemed so angry with her father (my "ex"), but when he passed on about 3 years ago, she turned all her rage towards me. Her father and I were divorced in 1978! I do voluntteer work at the hospital, I am involved with my church family, as well, I am a piano accompanist for a choir and several soloists and have many friends and family all over our city. We live in a good community, have great neighbors, and good friendships, We love all our family totally! But this one situation hurts worse than any thing that has ever happened to us. How can someone be so cruel and hateful without having some kind of mental illness? So, from time to time I hit a low that makes it hard to function. My daughter is 46 years old and eveyone would be happy to haave her participating in the family. She is, of course, loved deeply. It wouldn't hurt if we didn't care. When there is so much love around, why would she want to be so angry? What are my daughter and family getting as a reward from this? It can't make them happy can it? Norma

- No name given

February 22, 2008 1:32 p.m.

Anna ~ What do your elderly relatives complain and whine about? Why do you feel angry afterwards? In dealing with my own 91 yo grandma, I know there can be a sense of frustration and a "there are people in this world who have it worse than you, Grandma" mentality. Every conversation I have with her (truly every)is a lengthy run down of her medical ailments, doctors visits and procedures. Sometimes it even feels like a competition! I was going for a depo-medrol injection in my spine to alleviate spinal stenosis nerve pain and she ended up going to the same doctor for the same thing 2 days after me! But I have learned something from my own declining health (I am 46) that puts it into perspective. It is not so much the illness that is hard to deal with, it is the loss of control. My grandma is at the end of her life and she is trying to control what little she can. When people can't control what directly affects them, they can become angry. Remembering this may help.

- Lori

February 13, 2008 8:52 a.m.

I went through a nasty divorce 10+ years ago.I was very depressed and realised I needed help to cope with the situation and my daughters. A counsellor who really listened to me and a psychiatrist with a no nonsense approach helped me immensely. I will never forget the psychiatrist saying to me, when you are confronted with a problem, take a step back. Decide if this issue will matter in 5 minutes, a day, a week, next month, next year or in 5 years time. Deal with the 5 year and possibly 1 year issue - let the others go.In the grander scheme of things they don't matter. This advice has helped me immensely

- Lynda

February 6, 2008 8:12 p.m.

We should always think positive to attract more energy, to be a better person in time of trials & life must go on because whatever happens it is our responsibility to do good always...Thanks.

- Nery

January 30, 2008 5:06 p.m.

Your gentlemen in Mn. is right on tract - we only lose ourselves when we allow ourselves to lose focus, become distracted, let others dictate to us, and give up the fight. Remember Jimmy V who lost a battle to cancer but to this day continues to fight the battle - he always said 'never give up'!!!

- Kathi Connors

January 6, 2008 4:45 p.m.

I need to learn how to be with relatives who whine and complain constantly and who have little to no interest in me or my life. They are elderly. Any advice? I feel angry after I am exposed to them for any length of time. Thanks!

- Anna

December 30, 2007 4:27 p.m.

Before submitting my comment, the last sentence is incomplete. I stated that there are 2 sides to "Twin's" comment. I felt that it was more personal than blunt. It is true some people look for sympathy and have self-pity; however, to say it seems MANY people enjoy being in that state of mind or condition, in my opinion felt was a personal statement being made to someone. As the point being made was that perhaps they made a mistake or how they made someone feel. What about mistakes made and how someone made them feel? In my situation I did not make the mistake, but my "ex" truly displayed the ultimate deceit, lies, unfaithfullness that, yes, did hurt me immensely; however, my relief of not living with that person anymore. He is living at the same financial level as before, his actions forced me to live much differently. Am I stressed at times, absolutely. Can I manage it, absolutely! Yes we are responsible for our own happiness, when in doubt find a good support syst

- Kathy

December 30, 2007 3:21 p.m.

I am 54, have MS and Sjogren's Disease, which are manageable. I recently went through an extremely tough divorce, my "ex" took all our money and then fired on a felony charge, grand theft from his employer. Having to move unable to afford where I was living with NO spousal maintenance, forced to live on county help which I can live with. My "ex" remarried, has a steady job and I need to go to court to get the back money owed to me-5 yrs+. Recently, I became extremely ill for the month of November and spent much of it in the hospital. I struggle every day financially and physically to accomplish tasks. When I get up, I just take one battle at a time. I love gardening, crafts, have a house to maintain, which I call my "stress relief". In reading the comment from "Twin", much stress does NOT just come from our thoughts, it is brought on by others making it difficult for us to manage, but we do! There are 2 sides to that comment, it seems Twin's comm

- Kathy

December 25, 2007 2:59 a.m.

I love reading these blogs but I still don't know how to deal with my stressfull life. I am 38 and have been a single parent for 19years, work 4 jobs to afford a middle class lifestyle and have parents to support. I am not able to get into a relationship because of my busy lifestyle and obligations as a parent and a as a daughter. what do I do? quit jobs, go on vacation and none of those are possible because I have family members depend on me. Not sure what to do?

- A stressed out reader

December 24, 2007 8:49 p.m.

At the age of 51, had worked fifty years and everything seemed to be going in the right direction, I started having minor chest pains. Within a year(and not wanting to believe I had a bad heart)I couldn't walk much more then 100 feet before I dropped to my knees. Went to the hospital and was just short of needing a heart transplant. After a quintuple bypass, and a ticket to disability(which I haven't started receiving yet)I had started getting very depressed and wondered if the world would be better without me. After some excellent counseling an taking a closer look at myself, I realized, even penniless and not having many material possesions, other people and myself cared about me and my life. Now every day, to wake up and look in the mirror is a blessing from someone who wants me to hang around for a while longer. That's a preety good feeling, and makes me feel better phyically and mentally. To all that think it's so horrible, wake up, look in the mirror, and say, THANK YOU. Terry

- Terry