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On the path to finding happiness
There is real merit in disengaging from our environment if at all possible; taking a few days respite away from the stress of the places in which we live and work to nurture a new perspective.
On a recent trip to visit family, we had a marvelous experience of a leisurely several hours in a small bookstore nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. What a gift!
OK, I will admit it. I went to the health and wellness section and was skimming books on happiness — an elusive goal that all humans seek. Let me share a quick overview of a textbook from California based on years of solid research among "happy people."
The studies focused on identical twins that were separated at birth. Obviously, this is a natural experiment and here was the take-home message after approximately 600 pages:
- About 50 percent of our happiness is genetically determined. We have a "happiness set point" from 0 to 10 which is driven by our DNA, our genetic endowment from our parents. Whether we win or lose the lottery, whether we get married or divorced, whether we have fame and fortune, or embarrassment and ridicule, we will eventually return to that set point.
However, there were two startling findings.
- About 40 percent of our happiness is directly determined by how we relate to setbacks, a recurrent theme in our blog. It is not the setbacks that kill us; it is how we relate to them.
- Only 10 percent of our happiness according to this particular textbook is directly related to the environment. Whether we drove a $100,000 car or a $350 car, whether we lived in a condo off of Central Park in New York City or in a shack in an urban ghetto, or whether we made a lot of money or little money, these environmental factors had virtually nothing to do with our happiness.
So, a message that I took from a wonderful afternoon in a bookstore was real simple:
Our attitude determines our happiness (no big surprise), and where we live and what we do contribute very little to our happiness.
For those "happy people" out there in cyberland, please share with us seekers of happiness one or two tips, tactics or perspectives that we can use as we seek the elusive goal of the happy camper.
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Excellent blog and an excellent topic! My whole life as a teen consisted of listening to negative types of music, hanging out with negative people, and always being a negative individual. Somewhere down the line, I felt it had to change. Some of the people I knew when I was young changed and became happy people. Others stayed the same and nothing changed for them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we need to change our situations to bring happiness. If your job makes you unhappy, look for another job or do something like start your own business. If you're unhappy with certain things in your life, consider changing them if you're able to change them. When I was a kid, I asked somebody how does one become happy. He told me to fake it until I make it. That's what I did until I got it right. I also rid of negative people around me, found hobbies, started a business, began meditating, exercising, etc. This is how I found happiness and this is what I would recommend to somebody if they asked me how I did it.
The question "are you happy?" seems rather simplistic to me. Emotions fluctuate constantly. If "happiness"= an overall state of contentment and acceptance, one could be "happy" when in a state of grief which doesn't make sense.
Another thing that annoys me about the whole question is it implies that an individual has a conscious choice. What of someone with posttraumatic stress syndrome and generalized anxiety disorder, for instance? I believe that someone who is in a constant state of suffering or anxiety can be happy...but not in the facile sense that is generally meant.
Honestly, I don't worry whether I am "happy" or not. I try to find joy in each day, and I am constantly searching for meaning and that sense of "connection" with others . . .but that is different than searching for "happiness."
I am happy because I choose to be. There have been many tragedies in my life but I realize that each day is important and each day we wake up is a new day full of adventures. I try to laugh a lot, compliment someone sincerely, give thanks for a kind deed during the day and also give thanks to my Creator. I am thankful for my sons and their happiness and for the love of my family and my love for them. We are here such a short time in this realm and we owe it to ourselves to be happy. You can be unhealthy in body through no fault of your own but your spirit's health and happiness is up to you. I work at the post office and on my way to work each morning I see a homeless man I have dubbed "Mr. Skinny legs." he is quite happy in his world talking to the bushes and whatever else he sees along his path and if he can be happy so can I.
Note about my previous post: I meant to say the least happy people I know are very hard on themselves. Ooops!
The happiest people I know are very hard on themselves, often frustrated perfectionists and/or procrastinators, who retreat into feelings of guilt, shame and failure, surrounded by things and unfinished projects and unattained goals. And so it seems the enemies of happiness are abject ambition, materialism, self-absorption, and unsocial or antisocial attitudes. The happy are accepting, modestly ambitious, aware and social, generally engaged in life without being fanatical, obsessive, compulsive or particularly materialistic. The happy are notably attentive and exhibit personal virtues such as patience, generosity and gratitude. And they're pleasant company.
Along with every life changing event -- whether major or minor -- it helps me to change my perception of what makes me happy by thinking "What CAN I do in this adverse situation/circumstance?" I am an on-the-go person, and when I broke my kneecap and felt absolutely frozen in one spot (which I was), I remember my initial thoughts were of sheer panic "What am I gonna do -- I don't know how to live like this! " But after torturing myself & everyone else in my family, I gave up & stopped to think about what some of the things were that I had wished I could do if only I had time, and now I had the time. One of them was to go back to reading again and to listen to some of my old music, etc. My perspective changed completely, despite the aggravation of not being able to move about much at all; I allowed myself to just be still. So to sum it up, I feel that many times throughout our entire lives, happiness can be RE-defined, over & over, rather than making it something to be SEARCHED for as a one-time answer. Happiness is probably already there in some form -- maybe we just can't always recognize it right away. Be still, be quiet, allow something to flow into you. It is not always easy, but it is possible.
I am a generally happy person. I find that just by smiling at everyone I see everyday and remembering we are only as happy as we make ourself. Don't take everything so serious. What ever you do it isn't as bad or compicated as Brain surgery. Also there is always someone worse off than you. If you always believe that then things aren't so bad. Also just knowing that you are alive when you wake up breathing on your own each day gives me a great feeling becouse the altenative is to not wake up at all.
I agree with JM's comment.Its allwell and good to say our attitude determines our happiness, but when your life is crumbling, that doesn't work. I must have been born with bad genes because, no matter how much I try to rise above circumstances and, even though I have a good value system, I feel unhappy a lot of the time....due to certain circumstances.
I am 62 years old and have been searching for happiness all my adult life. When I reached late midlife I finally decided to relax and quit looking so hard and it came to me on its own. I have been happy ever since.
Everyone needs to know how to do something that provides happiness for himself. It can be gardening, music, or doing something thoughtful for another. We need to know how to make ourselves happy.
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