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Domestic violence against men: Know the signs, seek help

Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to recognize, but it can be a serious threat. Consider ways to break the cycle.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Women are more often the victims of domestic violence — but domestic violence affects men, too. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence — also known as domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or homosexual relationships.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner may seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse may appear as isolated incidents. Your partner may apologize and promise not to abuse you again.

In other relationships, domestic violence against men may include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. But this type of violence can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.

You may be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
  • Prevents you from going to work or school
  • Stops you from seeing family members or friends
  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
  • Assaults you while you're sleeping, drunk or not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

You may also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a same-sex relationship with a man who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
  • Tells you that authorities won't help a homosexual, bisexual or transgendered person
  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that homosexual relationships are deviant
  • Tells you that abuse is a normal part of homosexual relationships or that domestic violence can't occur in homosexual relationships
  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" homosexual, bisexual or transgender
  • Says that men are naturally violent
  • Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
  • Rationalizes the abuse as part of a sadomasochistic activity

Children and abuse

Domestic violence affects children, even if they're just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you and your children, or that it may break up your family. Fathers may fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. But getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

  • Your abuser threatens violence.
  • Your abuser strikes you.
  • Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
  • The cycle repeats itself.

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Domestic violence may leave you depressed and anxious. You may be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you may be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. Similarly, a man being abused by another man may be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity. Additionally, if you seek help, you may confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts may not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. They may minimize the significance of the abuse because you're a man. You may also fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you'll end up being accused of wrongdoing yourself. But remember, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame — and help is available.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you may find it hard to talk about the abuse. But you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

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References
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  2. McHugh MC, et al. Intimate partner violence: New directions. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences. 2006;1087:121.
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  16. Issues: Domestic violence. National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. http://www.ncavp.org/issues/DomesticViolence.aspx. Accessed March 25, 2009.
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  18. Andersen TH. Speaking about the unspeakable: Sexually abused men striving toward language. American Journal of Men's Health. 2008;2:29.
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  21. Bostwick JM (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. March 26, 2009.

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