Female orgasm: Why can't I climax during sexual intercourse?

I am a 29-year-old woman and have been married for one year. I have never been able to achieve orgasm during intercourse — which thoroughly frustrates my husband because he works so hard at it. I have a healthy sex drive, but can only climax manually or orally. Recently, this has been causing problems in our marriage. My husband thinks I don't desire him enough. Can you help?

- Kami / Florida

Answer

Much has been written about the sometimes elusive female orgasm. It is a myth that women who can't achieve orgasm during intercourse have a problem.

Although some women can reach orgasm during intercourse, many women find it easier and actually prefer to achieve orgasm through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Female anatomy makes it more difficult to be stimulated to orgasm by intercourse than does the male anatomy. These differences between men and women with regard to orgasm often lead to expectations and misinterpretation of meaning associated with response during intercourse.

The focus on achieving orgasm and "working" at it are likely to lead to distress and inhibit you and your husband from just letting go and enjoying the pleasure of sexual arousal and activity. The emphasis of sex becomes the performance as validation of attraction rather than on your thoughts and feelings.

One of the major difficulties couples experience is identifying what is mutually desired from sexual activity and communicating effectively with each other. It is important to discuss your differences and your desires with each other to alleviate concerns.

If this continues to be a problem in your marriage, you and your husband may consider seeking professional help to address it, such as through a marital or sex therapist.

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