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Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, it may help to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. You may want to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an unbiased family member or friend. You may also want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. Keep in mind that forgiveness has the potential to increase your sense of integrity, peace and overall well-being.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation may be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?
If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you may be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you have a choice whether or not to attend specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
Consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Simply acknowledge your faults and admit your mistakes. Then commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
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- Worthington EL, et al. Forgiveness, health, and well being: A review of evidence for emotional versus decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgiveness, and reduced unforgiveness. Journal of Behavioral Medicine. 2007;30:291.
- Roberts RG. The art of apology: When and how to seek forgiveness. Family Practice Management. 2007;14:44.
- Lawler-Row KA, et al. Forgiveness, physiological reactivity and health: The role of anger. International Journal of Psychophysiology. 2008;68:51.
- Friedberg JP, et al. The impact of forgiveness on cardiovascular reactivity and recovery. International Journal of Psychophysiology. 2007;65:87.
- Rindfleisch JA. Healing through forgiveness. In: Rakel D. Integrative Medicine. 2nd ed. Philadelphia, Pa.: Saunders Elsevier; 2007. http://www.mdconsult.com/das/book/body/154685102-3/875881163/1494/146.html#4-u1.0-B978-1-4160-2954-0..50103-4_4633. Accessed Aug. 17, 2009.
- Piderman KM (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. Aug. 26, 2009.
- Recine AC, et al. Health promotion through forgiveness intervention. Journal of Holistic Nursing. 2009;27:115.
- Bono G, et al. Forgiveness, feeling connected to others, and well-being: Two longitudinal studies. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin. 2008;34:182.
