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Parenting teens: Encouraging responsible behavior
Set limits
To encourage your teen to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your teen the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying. Consider these parenting tips for teens when setting limits:
- Avoid ultimatums. Your teen may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.
- Be specific. Rather than telling your teen not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.
- Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.
- Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.
- Be flexible. As your teen demonstrates more responsibility, grant him or her more freedom. If your teen shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions.
- Be prepared to explain your decision. Your teen may be more likely to comply with a rule when he or she understands its purpose.
- Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your teen can't possibly follow. A chronically messy teen may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.
Not sure if you're setting reasonable limits? Talk to your teen, other parents and your teen's doctor. Whenever possible, give your teen a say in establishing the rules he or she is expected to follow.
Prioritize rules
While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your teen a chance to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your teen, however, consider how far you're willing to bend. Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your teen's safety, such as substance abuse, sexual activity and reckless driving. Make sure your teen knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use.
Enforce consequences
Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your teen needs you to be his or her parent, not a pal. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your teen's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment. Consider these methods:
- Active ignoring. Tell your teen that you'll talk to him or her when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your teen in the meantime.
- Scolding and disapproval. Make sure you reprimand your teen's behavior, not your teen. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone. Also, avoid reprimanding your teen in front of his or her friends.
- Imposing additional responsibilities. Assign your teen additional household tasks.
- Imposing additional restrictions. Take away a privilege or possession that's meaningful to your teen, such as computer time or a cell phone.
- Asking your teen to suggest a consequence. Your teen may have an easier time accepting a consequence if he or she has played a role in deciding it.
Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or days to make them most effective. Also, avoid punishing your teen when you're angry. Likewise, don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out — and punish only the guilty party, not other family members. Never use physical harm to discipline your teen.
Set a positive example
Remember, teens learn how to behave by watching their parents. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your teen will likely follow your lead.
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- Ginsburg KR, et al. A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens. Elk Grove Village, Ill.: American Academy of Pediatrics; 2006.
- Next stop adulthood: Tips for parents. American Academy of Pediatrics. http://www.aap.org/featured/nextstopadulthood.pdf. Accessed Feb. 5, 2009.
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